The Fourth Phase U.K premiere is approaching faster than Travis Rice hurtling down some mental ridge he spotted and highlighted with some weird expensive elctropen and lightbox or whatever. And if you’re anything like us, you’re excited. Based on our experience of Rice’s previous films, we thought we would put together a list of the feelings that you will most definately experience before, during and after watching The Forth Phase.
Naturally. I mean, who isn’t excited?
Everything is at the ready. The pizza’s arrived, the beers are cold and you’ve hitched up some ropey home cinema sort of setup with the hardest to find HDMI cable in the world and a fake Bose speaker you got from Argos. You’re ready. But seriously, will everyone else just shut the fuck up please? I mean come on. Just shut up!
The Red Bull Media house logo belts it’s way onto your screen with some mad bass that rattles your argos speaking to maximum distortion levels. You start thinking about what’s gonna happen. Will it be travis walking wistfully through the only empty airport in the world? Will a slo-mo walking scene be accompanied by some semi-crypto voice over that no-one really understands but that makes you fizz in the crotch? Will Jeremy Jones give a one liner that pretty much says Travis Rice is utterly incredible and what you are about to see will make your feel pathetic as a rider. The whole time you’re gawping at the screen of course.
We’re going through the “Epicy” bit’s. You know the bits I mean. Where they set the whole thing up and everything looks like it’s been filmed on another planet. We’ve already seen 16 helicopters, 4 planes and a seaplane and we are only 10 minutes in. Your gawp level has reach 10 and you’ve dribbled your pizza on your lap and your mums sofa.
We’re in balls deep now and your wonder and amazement has turned to envy. Why is he doing this and not me? How can I do it now even though I’m 30 and my knees hurt when I walk? Who the fuck is Travis Rice anyway the stupid arse? I want a helicopter. Bet I could do a double cork 1260 if I wanted to. Twat.
The Envy has dispersed for a moment. The music, the shots, the tricks are all too much and sway you into an uncontrollable state of joy. You don’t care that’s its not you doing these things. For now you are living vicariously through these incredible riders. Hang on, are they on a boat now?
The reality sets in. You’ve witnessed some of the most incredible things you’ve ever seen and you’ll never be able to experience them for yourself. You’ll never be good enough. Where did it all go wrong? Why did I listen in school and get an education when I could’ve dropped out and lived my life.
It’s over. What a ride. But for you, well, you’re full of regret, even if you won’t admit it. You start thinking about what you could have done differently. You now just look past people even when in full conversation, constantly asking yourself, what if.
It’s not fucking fair. Why can’t I do those things Travis just did. Fuck this, I can. I’m booking an Easyjet flight, see you bastards in Morzine.
That you made your flight on time.
Trying this, on the first run, perhaps wasn’t the best idea.
It was totally worth it.