Summer is coming. In fact, most of you are probably at home or enroute to your summer destination. There will be some of you who were prepared for this inevitability, securing a job for the summer early on in the season so you could rest easy until winter comes round again. There will be some of you who have saved a chunk of money to go galavanting around the globe without a care in the world and there will be some of you who have given up on season life altogether and are ready to settle back in to life at home. Good for you.
There will also be some of you who have absolutely no idea, not only what you are going to do in the summer, but what day it is, and it is as sure as eggs are eggs that you are the person who has pissed your last penny behind the bins of a local Spar with nothing planned for your return back home including a lift back to your mums from the airport. You, you stupid person, should read this.
1. Now you are back home, penniless, watching back to back Jeremy Kyle and periodically sneaking off to the airing cupboard for a cry, the number one thing you need to do is stop thinking you are a seasonaire. I don’t care if you are planning on going back next year, take off that stupid hat, those stupid brightly coloured sunglasses and go and have a shower to wash out the stink.
2. Grow a beard. If you already have one then even better. Once grown, start stroking it. The Global Subjective Internet University, if you look hard enough, suggests that maybe it might help you think or something. That’s better than nothing though. If you’re a woman, you’ll have to draw one on. Here is a good example of how to draw one. I would suggest using a permanent marker so you don’t have to keep re-doing it.
3. Step three will be entirely determined by you because of step 2. You will think of what to do next. What you will more than likely deduce is that, much like this post, it is probably too late. Your seasonaire buddies will be long gone, getting tans and enjoying the sun and you will be sat at home scratching your bum wondering where the last 6 months went.
Until next year then.